Love and Lust

Musings on love, lust, dating and women by the Love Pirate and Mox Nine.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

The lesson of blaming yourself

Ginny was a 28 year old woman who messaged me yesterday, seemingly mad-hot keen on me via what she'd read on one of my dating profiles. As I'm sure many readers know this rarely happens, so I was pleasantly surprised. After the first message she messaged again, even more excited having read the other bits and pieces, thinking we were a great match. She even told me she'd signed up just to write to me!

Well, as you can imagine I was surprised, and a little daunted, so with her mobile number I sent her a text and that same day we were arranged to meet for afternoon coffee (after lunch with Miko as it turned out). If you'll read the other posts here you'll realize I'd already broken one of my new, cardinal rules - never meet before you know if you have something going! But I went for it anyway.

In the end the date was a bit of a flop, and I made the classic chump mistake of blaming myself. Why was it a flop? Well, we met and had a nice chat, but she seemed very reserved. I couldn't figure out why as she didn't seem the 'type' to be shy. This just resulted in me trying harder to entertain her and of-course, resulted in absolutely no improvement in matters.

After coffee and a walk we called it a day and I sent her a follow up message saying it was nice meeting her but there seemed to be something up. She replied with a surprisingly inciteful message.

I'm sorry. I was actually uncomfortable with the whole situation. I did enjoy chatting with you I just felt under huge pressure to fancy you rather than just enjoy meeting a very nice guy. I was definitely suppressed at how uncomfortable I felt, not your fault.
While hardly an ideal response it was truly quite refreshing. I can see that in her mind she'd built me up to be her Perfect Guy and then had to coral that image to the person she met. Of course, I could never match her impossible expectations. Instead of sitting there thinking "What am I doing wrong?!", I should have been thinking "What's wrong with this girl?". This would have made me less panicky (even desperate-looking) and thrown some challenge her way.

So guys, today's lesson, ask yourself "why isn't this girl having fun with me, I'm great!" not "what's wrong with me?!"

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